Lonely soul.

Любовь, как луна, всегда вне досягаемости.

——-Love, like the moon, is always out of reach.

So, life isn’t easy…obviously.

We have it within ourselves to not make it easier, but make it better. Make it worthwhile. If it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth livin’. It’s the struggles that we face everyday that keep us inspired and keep us fighting for the better things in life we deserve. 

Some of us had the worst times of our lives in school. We grew up bigger than most, shorter than our peers, and gay. Always feeling alone and always scared to face the day ahead of us. What we realize now is that it shouldn’t have mattered. We were all unique and we were just the way we were supposed to be. Nothing more, nothing less. We deserved to be treated as human beings but we treated almost like scum.

I feared school. I feared walking through those halls everyday knowing what was going to happen while walking by the wrong crowd only to hear “fag” come from their mouths. Sitting in Biology and hearing the two guys behind me talk about the “queer” in front of them. It was a daily struggle. It was bullying at it’s best. I have a story not unlike many gay teens. Everyday on the way home thinking how easy it would be to end the torment of school by killing myself. Everyday feeling a little bit closer to the edge.

The saying ‘If I knew then what I know now…’ is so so relevant. I had the opportunity to make my life so much better back then. Now I know that there’s not one thing wrong with me. There’s nothing wrong with being gay.

Nothing wrong with being a little overweight. Nothing wrong with being short. Nothing wrong with being smart. Most importantly there’s nothing wrong with loving another human being. The greatest message of all time is just to love. No one should be punished for loving. No one should be punished for helping another person. 

It’s completely OK to be who you are. It’s completely OK to accept another person’s lifestyle. It’s completely OK to live.

If you wish to be happy and live happy you cannot let yourself worry about what other people think of you. You have to let them all go and impress yourself. Live for yourself. Accept yourself. Life will be so much better.

If you’re a boy and there’s another boy putting butterflies in your belly, let them fly free.

If you’re a girl and you want to play football, knock everyone on their asses.

If you’re a boy and you want to sport high heels and glistening dress, shine like no other before you.

You are truly beautiful. You are truly unique. You are you. Just as God made you. Just as you see yourself. 

We live for ourselves. We make our own purpose. We pick our fights. For us. Not for the spectators.

You have struggles, but you’re never alone in them. You have fears, but there’s always someone to hold your hand.

You’re stuck in tunnel of questions, but the light never disappears. 

If you have no encouragement, encourage yourself. You know you’re fighting for something  better.

Life is beautiful. You can’t let others bring you down.

    It’s such a short thing and in the blink of an eye everything can change. Live it in such a way that you regret nothing.

Breathe. Be happy. Take the time to watch the stars. Hear the breeze in the trees. Feel the dirt between your toes.

Take too many pictures. Laugh until you cry. And love like hell.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. One day you don’t want to look back and think to yourself: If I knew then what I know now..

I meant to tell you all that my mom and I were driving to a graduation thing the other night and we were talking about a family member who also has a gay son. Mom was talking about how she was proud that I was gay and she’s not ashamed of it in any way. We concluded that the other family member is pretty much ashamed her son is gay because she tries to hide it and never even mentions it. 

But it made my heart jump a little because she screamed it at me that she was proud of that I was gay and stuff. :) Not that it would matter if she wasn’t proud, it’s not like I’m changing for anything anyway. 

Also, I’m kinda lonely. This whole taking time to think about me and work on me is bull crap. :p 

but the people who actually deserve it somehow escape?

I’m still really bitter about relationships. I thought I was getting over this.

I realized that I have no faith in the word ‘love’ anymore. It does nothing for me. And as for the feeling, I’m kinda not interested in it. 

I do realize, also, that obviously I still have parts of me that I need to find again. 

I’m a hot mess.

I want a guy who brushes the side of my face then gives me a kiss,

holds my hand wherever we are to make everyone jealous

Someone who would sing to me at random moments.

Someone who would let me sleep on their chest.

Someone who would let me gossip if I wanted and would just smile,

agree and giggle with the news.

He would throw pillows and stuffed animals at me when I acted

dumb and then kiss.me.a.million.times.

Someone who would make fun of me just to make me laugh.

He would take me out anywhere, put his hands on my hips and

give me big bear hugs all the time.

He would tell his friends about me

and smile as he did it. :)

We would make out in the pouring rain, he’d never be afraid to say

‘I Love You’ in front of his friends and family.

We’d argue about silly things then make up.

I want a boy who would kiss me at midnight on New Year’s then count stars with me.

Someone who would stay home with me on a Friday night to make

dinner & watch movies while cuddling under the same blanket.

Someone who could make me laugh like no one else could.

But mostly I want someone to be my best friend and never break my heart.

I jumped into his arms I knew everything was okay now. 

It was like all the pain

          the tears

          the hurt

          the wait

was all worth it. I could cry thinking about it. 

In the second it took me to jump, in the ten seconds he held me in his arms

Everything became okay. Everything I had experienced in the past year was worth it.

I’m a little too short,
You’re a hair too tall
I can buy a stepladder ain’t no trouble at all
Hey baby, I would look good with you